Everything people ask about a game that does not exist.
Fourteen questions, answered without a support ticket, and the first four are the ones that matter.
There is no game
This is a design document published as a website. There is no game, no build, no publisher and no release date. Every cost, headcount and duration on these pages is an estimate with its working shown, produced by an unsolicited third party with no licence, no endorsement and no relationship with anybody named on it.
The four that come first.
If you read four things on this page, read these.
No. It is a design document published as a website. There is no build, no publisher, no licence, no release and no approach to anybody. Every cost, headcount and duration here is an estimate with its working shown.
An unsolicited third party with no relationship to Jeremy Clarkson, Diddly Squat, Hawkstone, Amazon or anybody else named on this site. Nothing here is licensed or endorsed.
In the design, no. It is free, and money buys Kaleb’s time-skips and cosmetics at stated prices. There are no loot boxes, no randomised paid rewards, no energy system and no way to buy Coins.
Because forty chapters of television have used almost every gerund available and never that one. It is the largest unused word in the naming system, and it belongs to the largest unbuilt thing.
The mechanics.
Plant, Tend, Cock It Up, Harvest, Trade, Build. Six stages, about a fortnight of real time per in-game season, and roughly forty minutes of actual decision-making spread across it.
A stage of the loop rather than an accident inside one. Roughly one cycle in six goes partly wrong and one in twenty badly wrong, the cause is legible about seven times in ten, and nothing sold anywhere in the game reduces the rate.
Never. A failure costs a season on the fields affected. It cannot take buildings, land, levels, nature units or anything bought with money, and there is no bankruptcy state.
Nothing. Relief cover through Harriet holds the farm for up to twenty-one days, free, and after that it simply waits. There is no decay, no death, no catch-up cost and no welcome-back offer.
No. No streak, no daily bonus and no notification about losing one. It is the most effective retention mechanic in mobile gaming and it is deliberately absent.
The money, the law and the children.
The regulatory position is unsettled and moving one way, the Children’s Code specifically restricts nudge techniques, the maximum penalty is £17.5m or four per cent of global turnover, and the newspaper story writes itself. The incremental revenue does not cover any of that.
No. Free to enter, no stake, no prize of monetary value, nothing convertible or cashable, and framed on judgement rather than chance. Those four facts together are what put it outside the Gambling Act 2005.
CAP rule 18.15 prohibits alcohol marketing in a medium where more than twenty-five per cent of the audience is under eighteen. CAP 18.18 to 18.24, added in May 2024, apply the same threshold to products at or below 0.5 per cent ABV, so a zero per cent version is not a way round it.
A DPIA before launch and before any significant change, high privacy by default, data minimisation, restrictions on nudge techniques, and no profiling. It is why eight standard mechanics are missing from this design.
No. No location is collected at any resolution. The weather is real Oxfordshire data on a twenty-four to seventy-two hour delay, shown to every player in the world identically.
Where to read the long version of each answer.
| If you want the detail on | Read |
|---|---|
| The six stages, with the numbers | The core loop |
| The failure rates and the salvage paths | Cocking It Up |
| Sources, sinks and the loot-box argument | The economy |
| XP, levels and the no-punishment philosophy | Progression |
| The legal position on the vote | The vote |
| CAP 18.15 and the alcohol question | No beer in it |
| The DPIA and the Children’s Code | Children |
| What it would cost and how it would be staged | How we would build it |
| What crosses between the game and this site | The contract |
The four longest pages.
The loop
Six stages, and the numbers behind each.
The economy
Two currencies, and no loot boxes.
Children
The code, the DPIA and the eight removals.
The staged plan
£50k, then £250k, then a gate.
Or go back to the beginning.
The hub, the loop, and the stage nobody else has.
